hitting the pause button.

After a long debate and a lot of self reflection, I’ve decided to hit the pause button on social media for a bit. Sure, you can laugh and think it’s such a silly little thing, just don’t click on the app. I wish it was that simple for me. 

photos from our holiday pictures. Taken by Lauren Pusateri

You see, 6 years ago Scott and I decide to make the move from Dallas to KC for Scott’s job and ultimately, to be closer to family. Leaving Dallas wasn’t a tough decision for me as I never really felt like I had found my group, “my people”. The only things I was going to miss was my job, the shopping, living in a city that was so vibrant with fashion, and shockingly, so empowering to woman. There was a company that was just starting up as we were getting ready to leave and to be honest, a job was offered to me that I laughed off as we were moving and I had such big, grand plans for what would be in KC when we got home. The company? RewardStyle. I try not to dwell on the past and think about “what ifs” but its hard not to with this. This will always be a regret of mine. A year after moving back to KC I started to find myself feeling like there was an empty hole in me. What was it? I was newly married to my high school sweetheart, we were discussing a family, I had a job with a great company and yet, still felt so unfulfilled. So, I started to write. Before I could really call it a blog, it was just a journal. Writing was my way of letting things go, moving forward, letting bygones be bygones. I even went as far as mending old friendships, and reaching out to people that I had done wrong. I finally got the courage to hit publish on a blog post and immediately got emails from friends at rewardStyle saying they needed more “influencers” and wanted to sign me up. I never had to apply, prove myself, get X number of followers, I just said “alright”…with a whopping 200 followers.

6 months post Hunter. Photo taken by Lauren Pusateri

Ever since then (5+ years ago), I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with no one but myself. The constant reminders that I do not look like everyone else (or like my old self for that matter), that I do not live a life like what social media thinks I should, that my children aren’t dresses the best at all times, or that my house isn’t even close to being “instagram worthy”. This battle has contributed to the dark days in my life this past year. When I’m having a bad day and I check out instagram, I subconsciously think it’s going to make me feel better. But in reality, it does the opposite. It throws me, head first, into a comparison game with complete strangers and some damn good filters. The facts of the matter, for me, are these: 

• I don’t want to be fake to my friends, or people that might think I’m interesting. 
• Life is HARD, it’s not always pretty and in order to move forward we must be transparent about this.  
• I don't want to post something every single day that people think they "need". It's not real life.
• I don’t have the luxury of having a husband that works from home, or better yet, works for ME. He works 10, 12, sometimes 15 hour days, 5 days a week. The sun hasn’t come up when he leaves for work, and it’s down when he gets home. He can’t take pictures of me 95% of the time. 
• I also don’t have the luxury of hiring someone to take pictures of me for the sole reason of selling clothing through an app. Scott just got through MBA school, I work  because I love what I do, and for my sanity, but essentially all it does is pay for childcare. Frankly, we don’t have the extra funds lying around to let me buy whatever I want, then to pay someone to photograph it. Hence the mirror selfies in my bedroom and the over posting about Target.
• I’m really never “instagram ready”. It’s rare when I have makeup on, my clothes usually have some sort of food/drool/bodily fluids on them from my kids, and chances are good that my leggings cannot even be linked as they are 3 years old from Nordstrom Rack. 
• Also, what is working out? I vaguely remember doing this pre-kids and I VIVIDLY remember having a great body but I have already forgotten the smell of a gym at this point. So, no. I cannot do an instagram post of working out because that would be a fucking lie. 
• I’m a mom to 2 small kids that run laps around me every day I’m home and I’d rather spend that $100 a month that a gym would cost on replacing the 1996 appliances in my house. #realtalk 
• Is liketoknowit the right space for me? Are they creating a world of comparison and competition within strangers and peers that is unnecessary?
• Fashion is suppose to make you feel good about yourself. It’s suppose to make you light up when you put on that dress that fits like a glove, or that new pair of jeans that doesn’t remind you “YOU HAD 2 KIDS AND THINGS DON’T FIT THE SAME!” My fear is that we have created such a monster through influencers on social media, that grown women are now comparing themselves to people every hour of every day and are left feeling empty and not worthy. 

• 

photos by Lauren Pusateri

So, why have I been letting an app control my life? Why have I been trying to compete with people that don't even have a similar lifestyle? Ultimately I think it’s because I keep reminding myself that if I would have really stuck to it, really worked on making it work, I would be one of those influencers. I’ve had a RewardStyle account for over 6 years now. I’ve let myself down by not really working on this tool. If I would have thrown caution to the wind and poured all my energy into impatientdixie, could I have over 300K followers with an instagram husband? Who knows. But, instead I have 2 incredibly happy, healthy, loving children and I wouldn’t change that for the world. 

I love fashion and I love shopping. Always have, and I always will. There’s a reason why I majored in it in college, and why I’ve held some pretty kickass, powerful jobs in the industry (100% bragging). But, I refuse to let it take me down this year. Nothing is going to change my passion for it or for helping others. I still have a handful of people that come to me for shopping needs and advice and I am always here for that. But, until I figure out how I can work this platform that has been given to me so generously through RewardStyle, while still  being transparent and honest, I’m going to need to take a break. Reset. 

photo taken by Lauren Pusateri

*Disclaimer: I fully understand that social media is a highlight reel. No one wants to post a picture of a shitty day or what you are ACTUALLY wearing to bed or to Target. I'm fully aware of these things. I'm also fully aware that I have an incredibly blessed life. My children could not be happier, healthier, or more beautiful (in my eyes) than they are. My husband loves me dearly and would do just about anything to make me laugh or smile. I have a group of friends that bring me to tears thinking about them. They lift me up, make me laugh, and for that I am forever grateful. Finally, you follow me on social media (obvi) so you know the love my family and I have for each other. It's a love I wish everyone feels at some point in their lives.*

I am a face of postpartum

I'd like to think that I am a very transparent person. Willing to talk to anyone about anything, within reason, at any time. But the older I get, and the older my children get there are a few things I keep close to my chest in order to protect myself and my tiny humans. Currently, I have been very protective about discussing my parents divorce (yes, it was 10 years ago but is still very present) and my battle with postpartum depression. 

I am raising 2 tiny humans in the age of social media and the ability to find out anything within a matter of seconds through your phone. The constant feeling of failure and comparing myself to strangers on the internet has become overwhelming at times. So much so that I have had to delete Facebook and Instagram off my phone in order to focus more on myself and family. Sick, right? But it's the truth. Here I am trying to run a lifestyle blog and if I can't be truthful on here, than who is ever going to take me for my word? So here it goes, I'm opening the door to what 1.3 million mothers face a year, I am a face of postpartum depression.

I grew up in a household where I felt loved every single day. I never wanted for anything, had 2 very present & hands on parents, a sister that hated me for being born but ended up being my best friend, and 2 golden retrievers. I grew up in a bubble of Overland Park, Kansas which was just named the 9th best place to live in the United States. I met my husband, Scott, when I was 15 years old and throughout the last 15 years he has been the only constant thing in my life. I've had my heart broken 3 times and completely shattered twice. I've lived on my own, struggled at times, but always knew I had my family behind me. Even through all of this, I have lived a damn-near-perfect life. 

Of course, no ones life is perfect (well, maybe Blue Ivy's) and my family has seen their fair share of heartache and distress. But, by all accounts, I lived and continue to live an extremely privileged life. I work 2 days a week, have a great group of friends, a supportive husband, parents that love me and my children immensely, a beautiful home, in great health and above anything else; 2 healthy, beautiful children.  So, why? Why do I suffer from PPD? 

Here's what I hope to make very clear; I didn't chose this. PPD comes on like a summer thunderstorm; without warning and wrecks havoc on anything in it's path. When I had Hadley is was almost immediate. Granted, I had Hadley in the thick of a massive family storm. Trying to deal with cancer, divorce, adoption, and death all while having a week old was damn near unbearable. Not to mention I got pregnant with Hadley 3 months after suffering a miscarriage the day after Christmas, 2013. I was 2 weeks post delivery when my doctor demanded I get put on meds. Hunter was a different story. I was 8 weeks post delivery when I woke up on a Saturday morning and couldn't get out of bed. It was as if this thunderstorm struck in the middle of the night, without warning, and crippled me with anxiety and a feeling of detachment. I literally could not move. I cried because I knew what was going on. Once again, this young mother that has everything she's ever wanted had to be put on meds just to get through the day. 

I suffer from a crippling anxiety which resulted in PPD. The constant fears of something terrible happening, to the constant comparison of my job as a mother to others mothers. Also, that daunting feeling of "when will this phase ever end? When will I ever be able to sleep again?" Just the constant unknown is what drives me to a dark place. 

But that's the stigma of it all. The stigma of "you just can't handle it so, here's meds." FALSE. I wish with every bone in my body I didn't have to suffer through this. That I could be a fun-loving, energetic person without medication but right now, that's just not possible. One day, it will be possible and I can't wait for that day to come. 

The point of this post isn't to get sympathy from anyone, I don't need that. It's to open the door just a little bit more and let mothers out there know that you are not alone. Motherhood is the hardest job we will ever have and if we don't start the conversation that it is H-A-R-D work and we need each other than what are we doing? We have got to start saying "it's hard and I need help" when we get in over our heads. 

I also want to give a shout out to one of my all-time favorites, Lauren Pusateri. Not only did she offer to take these fabulous photos but she offers me support and love that I can only hope for other woman. I've said it once, and I will say it again, She is the very best.

August Target Haul

Recently, it seems like every time the kids or I wear something from Target, we get a compliment. Or a "so cute, where's that from?" I'm not saying this to toot my own horn but instead, I've decided to do a monthly "Target Haul" post. Highlighting what all I have found at my recent trips to Target and just how well dressed we can all be, on a budget. 

*Don't worry, will also be highlighting the kiddos AND...the dudes!

 

First off, this dress is marked down to $12.48! Not to mention that right now it's buy 1, get 1 50% off on all Xhilaration clothing!

 

Alright ladies, SADDLE UP. The new collection from Who What Wear is INSANE. Not to mention that they have plus sizes in just about everything! This jacket is under $40 PLUS , if you have cartwheel, you get an additional 10% off. So...yeah, practically free. 

 

I've been trying to get behind the Pajama top look for a few months now but haven't found the perfect top. Everything is either too "nighty", or frankly, so cheaply made that I break out into a sweat just trying it on. Well, Who What Wear did it again and at under $25 (plus 10% off for cartwheel believers), it was a no brainer for me. 

 

And yeah, I will take this silky bandana scarf at under $20, while I'm at it. K, thanks. 

 

Could not be more relieved that I passed on the EXACT Kate Spade top a few months ago. Now, I can just wear this (machine washable) cotton & lace tank! And at under $23...you don't even have to try to sell it to me. (Comes in black too...with 10% off...Is this working?)

I was on the fence about this dress but then realized that it was under $30 and so lightweight that this post-2nd baby-hot flashes having-mama needs that, real bad. Low cut in the back but not so low that you can't wear a bra. Also comes in a blue floral print! 

*Stay tuned for how I will transition this into the winter*

 

First off, y'all like my socks?! #fashionista. I found the perfect tank over the summer and I may, or may not, have purchased them in every color. Now, I found the perfect tee. Super soft cotton with a v-neck that's not "too much". Side slits makes it perfect for layering and if you are under 5' 7", you could totally wear this with leggings. Oh...and it's $14.  

Lastly, the long kimono. With my height, I love a long kimono that I can throw over jeans, a dress, or leggings, and not feel like I am showing the world what the good lord gave me. Ya feel me? I will totally be wearing this with shorts (pictured) and with jeans when it gets warmer out. The perfect weight for anything, really! 

Until next time, Target. 

{Amy}

For the Men

Yes, it's another post about the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. But fear not--it has nothing to do with you, woman. By this time, we have purchased all of the cardigans, boots and beauty essentials one could ever hope for. But, what I haven't talked about is the fact that LITERALLY 60% of the men's department at Nordstrom is currently on the Anniversary sale. Even if I didn't care what Scott dressed like (which I do), I would still only dress him in the Nordstrom Smartcare shirts & pants. Additionally, I have every intention of buying Hunter smartcare as soon as he is done shitting himself. ('cause, parenting!) Smartcare is 100% cotton ,wrinkle-free, wrinkle-resistant fabric that holds it's shape. Real talk--it's the only shirts that Scott wears because there is not a chance in hell that I am going to iron them. HARD PASS. Not to mention, they even have smartcare dress pants that come in 3 different styles, 3 different inseams, and a plethora of waist sizes.

The anniversary sale is still pretty stacked in the men's department so whether you are 'buying now, wearing now' or even buying to put away from a holiday, now's the time to get your man the clothing that will change BOTH of your lives!

(you're welcome.)

Nordstrom Smartcare 'georgetown' dress pants $48.90

This is a new cut for Nordstrom and they are AMAZING. They are a tapered, slim leg and an all around better fit for the more modern man. I made Scott put them on so you can see the length. Scott is 6 foot and is wearing the 32 inseam. *He also said they are very comfortable and he loves the modern fit.

relaxed tailored fit $38.90 //tailored fix $52.90// front pleat relaxed pant $38.90

And, the other Smartcare pants. All come out of the dryer wrinkle-free. Additionally, they come in a plethora of sizes and inseams! 

smartcare trim fit top $32.90// smartcare traditional fit $29.90

for the sake of time, I wanted to just highlight the 2 different fits on the smartcare dress shirts. When it comes to pattern and colors---whatever you wish for. seriously, so many options! **And again, with the price...I like to call that "target prices". 

Tommy John second skin trunks $20.90

Tommy John-- the best underwear money can buy...I so wish I was kidding. So, I couldn't get myself to screen shot the front of this model. We've all seen boxer briefs before. But in all seriousness...THESE. Made with 90% micromodal (silky soft) and spandex (awesome stretch), these trunks are the best of the best. They are a little pricey at $20.90 a pair but it's money well spent. 

Cole Haan Grand OS 'Harrison wingtip' $139.90

All Hail the king of shoes: Cole Haan. First, they partnered with Nike and made Nike air Cole Haan dress shoes--men of the world rejoiced. Now, they made a shoe with an innovative cushioning foam that gives you all day relief and comfort. In other words--insanely comfortable and incredibly stylist. 

Patagonia 'Better sweater' $69.90 // Nike 'Advance 15 pants' $59.90

And last, but certainly not least, the casual wear. I think we can all agree that it's time to update the man's lounge pants. For the love of God, please?? The XXL fleece lined sorority party pants that Scott still tries to wear to Costco on a Sunday literally makes me cringe. *And no one cares that you went to the Chi Omega party in 2006.* While we are at it, let's go ahead and update that beloved North Face jacket that has your fraternity letters on it as well! It's RARE when you see a Patagonia on sale, let alone one that is very neutral. Finally, the Nike advance pants. I get it, looking that these you think "not a chance in hell". But I promise, they are so comfortable on and you will find that the tapered leg isn't a bother, not to mention, it's a slimming look!

Happy shopping to all!

My Target shoe haul

You don't have to know me to know my love for Target. Hell, you don't have to know any 30 year-old mom to know their love for Target. Actually, let me take that a little further; YOU AREN'T AMERICAN IF YOU DON'T LOVE TARGET. Ok, that's pushing it. But, there are days that I wake up thinking "I have to parent again. All day long. Maybe if I run to Target, pick up a grande misto from Starbucks INSIDE Target, and walk around, I'll feel a little better." And ya know what, it usually works! #basic

This past weekend I went on one of my typical "just going to run to Target from some La Croix!" trips and, of course, they were putting out their Fall shoes. Damn it. SHIT. My weak spot. How do you expect a sleep-deprived mother of 2 to walk away from $27.99 neoprene shoes that look IDENTICAL to a pair of $70 Steve Maddens? 

I'm currently looking into a 12-step program for people like me but until then---check out my target shoe haul!

1. Embellished Boucle sneakers $27.99 2. Cut out perforated booties $34.99 3. Zell satin sneakers $27.99 

4. Sock top sneakers $27.99 5. Backless mule loafers $22.99 6. Embellished satin sneakers $27.99

The below comparisons look SUPER (sarcasm) professional but it gets the point across---WHAT?!?!

$99.95 vs. Target at $27.99

$149.95 vs. Target at $22.99

$69.90 vs. Target at $34.99

$69.95 vs. Target at $27.99

$89.95 vs. Target at $27.99

Just cause they are adorable...$27.99

Anniversary round up...take 4. THINGS I NEED NOW

This year, Nordstrom is doing things a little different. They are really focusing on "buy now, wear now" fashion. And it's working. I am amazing at the amount of product that is already sold out and the amount of goods that are quickly dwindling down! I wanted to highlight just a few of my favorite things to wear (and use) year round.

And seriously, the candles are the absolute best. (I usually but 2 packs and break them up for Christmas gifts!)

Voluspa Maison Blanc three pack $29.90
I have yet to meet a Voluspa candle that I didn't love the smell of. Seriously. Not too sweet, not too floral. Just clean and fresh.

Cole Haan Velvet sneaker $84.90
Whether we like it or not, velvet is back again this year. (insert awkward smile here.) I still can't get myself to love the crushed velvet look but I can totally get behind these Cole Haan velvet sneaks. Subtle but fashionable but overall, insanely comfortable.

Soprano Stripe Off the shoulder tee $22.90
I mean, it's target price.

Trouve Wrap Blouse $45.90
Hey, mama's, this top was made for us! It's a wrap top that is not too fussy but nursing friendly! And, you can totally wear it after nursing. I've tried it on and I've seen A LOT of different body types try it on as well and it's amazing. 

Franco Sarto Matisse Bootie $99.90
PRAISE JESUS!!!! The perfect heel height bootie! Not to mention, Franco Sarto makes a killer shoe. Sups comfy!

Leith Ballet Crop Wide leg Ponte jumpsuit $49.90
I'm down' it. I'm going to rock the jumpsuits this year. I held off long enough and these 2 are the perfect addition to a dress full closet. Wear it with sneaks for a casual look, or heels for the perfect night out. (Or, in my case, a day that I sleep more than 6 hours and feel like a total BA.)

Topshop Spot Strappy Culotte Jumpsuit $52.90
Again, 100% doing this.

Caslon Long Sleeve Crewneck Tee $19.90
If you get anything this sale...get these. In every color. I wish I was kidding. The perfect length to wear with skinny jeans, or if you are shorter, leggings. great layering piece and so incredibly comfortable! Washes well too!