I am a face of postpartum

I'd like to think that I am a very transparent person. Willing to talk to anyone about anything, within reason, at any time. But the older I get, and the older my children get there are a few things I keep close to my chest in order to protect myself and my tiny humans. Currently, I have been very protective about discussing my parents divorce (yes, it was 10 years ago but is still very present) and my battle with postpartum depression. 

I am raising 2 tiny humans in the age of social media and the ability to find out anything within a matter of seconds through your phone. The constant feeling of failure and comparing myself to strangers on the internet has become overwhelming at times. So much so that I have had to delete Facebook and Instagram off my phone in order to focus more on myself and family. Sick, right? But it's the truth. Here I am trying to run a lifestyle blog and if I can't be truthful on here, than who is ever going to take me for my word? So here it goes, I'm opening the door to what 1.3 million mothers face a year, I am a face of postpartum depression.

I grew up in a household where I felt loved every single day. I never wanted for anything, had 2 very present & hands on parents, a sister that hated me for being born but ended up being my best friend, and 2 golden retrievers. I grew up in a bubble of Overland Park, Kansas which was just named the 9th best place to live in the United States. I met my husband, Scott, when I was 15 years old and throughout the last 15 years he has been the only constant thing in my life. I've had my heart broken 3 times and completely shattered twice. I've lived on my own, struggled at times, but always knew I had my family behind me. Even through all of this, I have lived a damn-near-perfect life. 

Of course, no ones life is perfect (well, maybe Blue Ivy's) and my family has seen their fair share of heartache and distress. But, by all accounts, I lived and continue to live an extremely privileged life. I work 2 days a week, have a great group of friends, a supportive husband, parents that love me and my children immensely, a beautiful home, in great health and above anything else; 2 healthy, beautiful children.  So, why? Why do I suffer from PPD? 

Here's what I hope to make very clear; I didn't chose this. PPD comes on like a summer thunderstorm; without warning and wrecks havoc on anything in it's path. When I had Hadley is was almost immediate. Granted, I had Hadley in the thick of a massive family storm. Trying to deal with cancer, divorce, adoption, and death all while having a week old was damn near unbearable. Not to mention I got pregnant with Hadley 3 months after suffering a miscarriage the day after Christmas, 2013. I was 2 weeks post delivery when my doctor demanded I get put on meds. Hunter was a different story. I was 8 weeks post delivery when I woke up on a Saturday morning and couldn't get out of bed. It was as if this thunderstorm struck in the middle of the night, without warning, and crippled me with anxiety and a feeling of detachment. I literally could not move. I cried because I knew what was going on. Once again, this young mother that has everything she's ever wanted had to be put on meds just to get through the day. 

I suffer from a crippling anxiety which resulted in PPD. The constant fears of something terrible happening, to the constant comparison of my job as a mother to others mothers. Also, that daunting feeling of "when will this phase ever end? When will I ever be able to sleep again?" Just the constant unknown is what drives me to a dark place. 

But that's the stigma of it all. The stigma of "you just can't handle it so, here's meds." FALSE. I wish with every bone in my body I didn't have to suffer through this. That I could be a fun-loving, energetic person without medication but right now, that's just not possible. One day, it will be possible and I can't wait for that day to come. 

The point of this post isn't to get sympathy from anyone, I don't need that. It's to open the door just a little bit more and let mothers out there know that you are not alone. Motherhood is the hardest job we will ever have and if we don't start the conversation that it is H-A-R-D work and we need each other than what are we doing? We have got to start saying "it's hard and I need help" when we get in over our heads. 

I also want to give a shout out to one of my all-time favorites, Lauren Pusateri. Not only did she offer to take these fabulous photos but she offers me support and love that I can only hope for other woman. I've said it once, and I will say it again, She is the very best.

#momhack things I cannot live without

When I was pregnant with Hadley I registered for literally everything under the sun. Come to think of it, I might have even tried to register for the sun. Vaseline? Throw it on the list. Butt paste scrapper? You got it, actually...I might need 2 of those. Every toy, rattle, bouncy thing ever made; currently in my basement. However, the most important things, the things that help baby SLEEP and STAY ASLEEP...didn't register for, didn't read about, didn't look into, didn't care. I wanted the cute stuff. The stuff that they like for about 90 seconds and it's as good as broken.

Now, with Hunter here, I am reminded of the simple things that I absolutely cannot live without. Some of the things, I have in multiple quantities...one for upstairs, one for downstairs. (Cause those stairs are a real bitch sometimes.)

Knowing very well that every baby is different and what worked for Hadley might not work for Hunter, I thought I'd share my mom necessities...

Angel Care movement monitor

Once we made scary move from bassinet by the bed to the crib, I found myself still not sleeping. Are they breathing? Did they roll over? Did someone sneak into the house and take them?!?! Scott dealt with that for about 3 nights before he came home with the 'Angel care'. Hesitant, I told him I would give it a try. You put a sensor under the mattress and if there isn't movement for 15-20 seconds an alarm goes off that would wake your neighbors. Believe me, IT WORKS. I'll never forget the first time it went off with Hadley. I don't think my feet touched the ground as I ran to her room. Come to find out, she had figured out how to roll over and scooted her way to the top of the crib. Therefore, off the sensor. Believe me, you need it.

Little giraffe Blanket

All hail the lovie that solves world peace. K, I wish. But, these little giraffe blanket's are the softest things you've ever felt and I've never met a child that didn't love theirs. The price can sometimes be shocking but keep an eye on flash sites like Hautelook, as well as the Little Giraffe website itself as they are ALWAYS running specials. Also, keep in mind that Nordstrom will always price match! 

Fisher Price Rock n' play

Neither one of my children had/has colic but neither one of them likes to sleep flat on their back. Who does, really?? This cheap (looks a bit crappy) rock n' play literally saved my marriage and life. As soon as I threw my hands in the air, said "mercy, and purchased this, they slept up to 8 hours in this thing. I will say, transferring them to a crib after sleeping in this was an adjustment but it really only took 1 night for them to be OK. I also waited to transfer Hadley to the crib until she could roll over. 

dockatot deluxe sleeper

Although I do not own one of these, I have never met a mother that didn't have tears in their eyes when you talked about the dock-a-tot. It's breathable, slightly slanted, and incredibly portable for any baby. It's won all sorts of awards for safety as well as helping babies to sleep better. Again, if my children would be OK sleeping on their back--done. No questions asked. 

Daydreamer sleep lounger

I will see you one dock-a-tot and raise you one daydreamer. After I was introduced to this and the rock 'n play, I really could have torched all my swings and million dollar jumparoo's. Babies don't need constant motion to sleep, they just need to be comfortable! This daydream went everywhere with me so I could simply put Hunter down while doing ANYTHING around the house (I might own 2 of these). Not to mention, it is incredibly reasonable when it comes to price. Just like the dock-a-tot it has a breathable shell but a sturdy base and sides to keep a baby from falling out. 

Angelcare bath support

Bath time. They love it once they can sit up but for my kids, hated it until then. It wasn't until I put Hadley in the Angelcare bath cubby in our actual bathtub that her attitude changed towards bath time. For the first few months we were just bathing her in the sink and it was torturous to us and her. This bath cubby has a silicon insert that keeps that baby from sliding down and keeps them in place. The holes allow for the water to come through but it doesn't totally submerge them. Not to mention, there is no room for mold to grown on it as once it's out of water, it's dry!

California baby shampoo & body wash

I'll admit it. When I had Hadley all I wanted was the outrageous, designer shampoo that would make my baby smell like a baby until she turned 18. $35 for a bottle of shampoo? Anything for my little one. It wasn't until I was introduced to the "think dirty" app that my mindset totally shifted. When you scan the bar code of a product in the think dirty app, it shows you, on a scale of 1-10 how toxic a particular product is for you. Well folks, the million dollar shit is gonna kill ya (not really but damn near close). I wasn't ready to jump down the rabbit hole of all holistic, organic shit but, if I could alter one thing that I put on my kids, I was going to do so. Not to mention, California baby is sold at target! It's a 3 on the scale (borderline perfect), smells incredible, and is made by moms. Take my word for it--WORTH IT. 

Nordstrom 'moonlight' PJ's

Finally, something for the mama's. A very wise woman told me a week before I delivered Hadley to be sure to bring button up pajamas as well as a night shirt (in case you have an unexpected c-section). Thankfully, I never had a C-section but the button up Pj's were honest to God, the best advice I was given. When you are feeding every 45 minutes to 3 hour...including during the night...the last thing you want to do is to have to completely undress at 2 AM to feed. These Pajamas's from Nordstrom are like sleeping on a cloud. Even after 100 washes...pure bliss. You will find yourself spending all of your money on your child. Go get something nice for yourself before the little one arrives! 

{Amy}