I am a face of postpartum

I'd like to think that I am a very transparent person. Willing to talk to anyone about anything, within reason, at any time. But the older I get, and the older my children get there are a few things I keep close to my chest in order to protect myself and my tiny humans. Currently, I have been very protective about discussing my parents divorce (yes, it was 10 years ago but is still very present) and my battle with postpartum depression. 

I am raising 2 tiny humans in the age of social media and the ability to find out anything within a matter of seconds through your phone. The constant feeling of failure and comparing myself to strangers on the internet has become overwhelming at times. So much so that I have had to delete Facebook and Instagram off my phone in order to focus more on myself and family. Sick, right? But it's the truth. Here I am trying to run a lifestyle blog and if I can't be truthful on here, than who is ever going to take me for my word? So here it goes, I'm opening the door to what 1.3 million mothers face a year, I am a face of postpartum depression.

I grew up in a household where I felt loved every single day. I never wanted for anything, had 2 very present & hands on parents, a sister that hated me for being born but ended up being my best friend, and 2 golden retrievers. I grew up in a bubble of Overland Park, Kansas which was just named the 9th best place to live in the United States. I met my husband, Scott, when I was 15 years old and throughout the last 15 years he has been the only constant thing in my life. I've had my heart broken 3 times and completely shattered twice. I've lived on my own, struggled at times, but always knew I had my family behind me. Even through all of this, I have lived a damn-near-perfect life. 

Of course, no ones life is perfect (well, maybe Blue Ivy's) and my family has seen their fair share of heartache and distress. But, by all accounts, I lived and continue to live an extremely privileged life. I work 2 days a week, have a great group of friends, a supportive husband, parents that love me and my children immensely, a beautiful home, in great health and above anything else; 2 healthy, beautiful children.  So, why? Why do I suffer from PPD? 

Here's what I hope to make very clear; I didn't chose this. PPD comes on like a summer thunderstorm; without warning and wrecks havoc on anything in it's path. When I had Hadley is was almost immediate. Granted, I had Hadley in the thick of a massive family storm. Trying to deal with cancer, divorce, adoption, and death all while having a week old was damn near unbearable. Not to mention I got pregnant with Hadley 3 months after suffering a miscarriage the day after Christmas, 2013. I was 2 weeks post delivery when my doctor demanded I get put on meds. Hunter was a different story. I was 8 weeks post delivery when I woke up on a Saturday morning and couldn't get out of bed. It was as if this thunderstorm struck in the middle of the night, without warning, and crippled me with anxiety and a feeling of detachment. I literally could not move. I cried because I knew what was going on. Once again, this young mother that has everything she's ever wanted had to be put on meds just to get through the day. 

I suffer from a crippling anxiety which resulted in PPD. The constant fears of something terrible happening, to the constant comparison of my job as a mother to others mothers. Also, that daunting feeling of "when will this phase ever end? When will I ever be able to sleep again?" Just the constant unknown is what drives me to a dark place. 

But that's the stigma of it all. The stigma of "you just can't handle it so, here's meds." FALSE. I wish with every bone in my body I didn't have to suffer through this. That I could be a fun-loving, energetic person without medication but right now, that's just not possible. One day, it will be possible and I can't wait for that day to come. 

The point of this post isn't to get sympathy from anyone, I don't need that. It's to open the door just a little bit more and let mothers out there know that you are not alone. Motherhood is the hardest job we will ever have and if we don't start the conversation that it is H-A-R-D work and we need each other than what are we doing? We have got to start saying "it's hard and I need help" when we get in over our heads. 

I also want to give a shout out to one of my all-time favorites, Lauren Pusateri. Not only did she offer to take these fabulous photos but she offers me support and love that I can only hope for other woman. I've said it once, and I will say it again, She is the very best.

What's in a name

As I am *slowly* trying to keep my New Years resolution of blogging more, I figured it was time to write about my 2nd child, Hunter. I know I said 2 years ago that this blog wouldn't become a mom blog but the truth of the matter is; that's who I am. I am a mother to 2 young children and they are my world. Sure, I am still well versed in all things fashion and pop culture but, I clean more butts in a day than I ever thought possible and from time-to-time I catch myself singing the opening song to Caillou. This. Is. 30.

If you are reading this, you clearly have access to the internet so I am going to spare everyone a post on "Hunter's birthing story" (just google 'childbirth') and talk about something far more interesting...naming a baby.

When Scott and I got engaged 6 years ago we briefly talked about children. We both knew we wanted them and that was the extent of the conversation. Except the name if we had a boy. Scott required one thing--if we ever have a boy that he would have the initials H.L.M., after his Grandfather. Thankfully for Scott, I had one name picked out for a boy that wasn't up for discussion, Hunter. Naming a kid is HARD. Like, literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You don't want them to be made fun of, you don't want them to go through school as having to use their last name's initial to set themselves apart, and what if their initials spell something terrible? What if they google their name and there's a porn star with the same name?? Legit, all thoughts that go through parents minds. Hadley's name just fell in place. I kept tossing the name out there and it finally stuck. Her middle name was after Scott's mom who was battling breast cancer, it made sense. Hunter didn't have a "full name" until the day we were released from the hospital.

See, Hunter's first name comes from the strongest family I have ever known. When I was 11, we lost the most amazing man in our family. While helping a friend at work, on a farm, in Fairhope, Alabama my cousin was killed. 20 days before Christmas he was taken from us while helping out a friend when a tractor got stuck. When I say it was a freak accident, I mean freak. Watching my Aunt and cousin, Kit, go through a loss that is so unimaginable to me is something I have always drawn strength from. No one is born into this world equipped to handle the death of a brother and son. No one. Betsy (Aunt) and Kit are 2 of the kindest, gentlest, warm, loving woman you will ever meet and it is an honor to be able to call them my family. Gavin 'Gee' Hunter lives on in these woman and for the last 19 years I've never been able to shake the idea of naming a son Hunter after such an incredible soul. So, there is Hunter.

Gavin 'Gee' Hunter, Jr.

Hunter's middle name was figured out at 8 AM the morning we were discharged. We had been throwing around a few ideas but nothing really stuck. It wasn't until the night before we left the hospital that I couldn't stop thinking about my uncle, Bill. You see, Bill was diagnosed with brain cancer when he was 20 years old. It was a lost cause, no cure, no hope. That was all until he woke up from a coma while a priest was reading him his last rights. Tragically, about 10 years ago Bill suffered a stroke while alone at home and was not found until close to 48 hours later. Due to this stroke he lost his ability to walk, talk, and really have any sort of "life" at all. He lives in a nursing home, has lived there for 10+ years, and is the youngest guest. I cannot fathom living in a nursing home when I am 40 and still having the most incredible outlook on life. He has had more girlfriends than I can count, reads accounting textbooks in his down time, has relearned how to speak, and is still the funniest human I've ever met. Liam is the Irish nickname for William and we couldn't be more proud for our son to share the same name as my Bill.

William Louis Weldon

Hunter Liam is his own person and I am sure he will raise hell like Bill, be viciously loyal like Gee, and kind-hearted like H.L. and if/when he isn't? We will remind him of the men that he shares a name with. 

Hunter Liam Morris photographed by Lauren Pusateri

Hunter Liam Morris photographed by Lauren Pusateri

PROUD big sis, Hadley June & baby Brother, Hunter Liam. photographed by Lauren Pusateri

{Amy}