hitting the pause button.

After a long debate and a lot of self reflection, I’ve decided to hit the pause button on social media for a bit. Sure, you can laugh and think it’s such a silly little thing, just don’t click on the app. I wish it was that simple for me. 

photos from our holiday pictures. Taken by Lauren Pusateri

You see, 6 years ago Scott and I decide to make the move from Dallas to KC for Scott’s job and ultimately, to be closer to family. Leaving Dallas wasn’t a tough decision for me as I never really felt like I had found my group, “my people”. The only things I was going to miss was my job, the shopping, living in a city that was so vibrant with fashion, and shockingly, so empowering to woman. There was a company that was just starting up as we were getting ready to leave and to be honest, a job was offered to me that I laughed off as we were moving and I had such big, grand plans for what would be in KC when we got home. The company? RewardStyle. I try not to dwell on the past and think about “what ifs” but its hard not to with this. This will always be a regret of mine. A year after moving back to KC I started to find myself feeling like there was an empty hole in me. What was it? I was newly married to my high school sweetheart, we were discussing a family, I had a job with a great company and yet, still felt so unfulfilled. So, I started to write. Before I could really call it a blog, it was just a journal. Writing was my way of letting things go, moving forward, letting bygones be bygones. I even went as far as mending old friendships, and reaching out to people that I had done wrong. I finally got the courage to hit publish on a blog post and immediately got emails from friends at rewardStyle saying they needed more “influencers” and wanted to sign me up. I never had to apply, prove myself, get X number of followers, I just said “alright”…with a whopping 200 followers.

6 months post Hunter. Photo taken by Lauren Pusateri

Ever since then (5+ years ago), I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with no one but myself. The constant reminders that I do not look like everyone else (or like my old self for that matter), that I do not live a life like what social media thinks I should, that my children aren’t dresses the best at all times, or that my house isn’t even close to being “instagram worthy”. This battle has contributed to the dark days in my life this past year. When I’m having a bad day and I check out instagram, I subconsciously think it’s going to make me feel better. But in reality, it does the opposite. It throws me, head first, into a comparison game with complete strangers and some damn good filters. The facts of the matter, for me, are these: 

• I don’t want to be fake to my friends, or people that might think I’m interesting. 
• Life is HARD, it’s not always pretty and in order to move forward we must be transparent about this.  
• I don't want to post something every single day that people think they "need". It's not real life.
• I don’t have the luxury of having a husband that works from home, or better yet, works for ME. He works 10, 12, sometimes 15 hour days, 5 days a week. The sun hasn’t come up when he leaves for work, and it’s down when he gets home. He can’t take pictures of me 95% of the time. 
• I also don’t have the luxury of hiring someone to take pictures of me for the sole reason of selling clothing through an app. Scott just got through MBA school, I work  because I love what I do, and for my sanity, but essentially all it does is pay for childcare. Frankly, we don’t have the extra funds lying around to let me buy whatever I want, then to pay someone to photograph it. Hence the mirror selfies in my bedroom and the over posting about Target.
• I’m really never “instagram ready”. It’s rare when I have makeup on, my clothes usually have some sort of food/drool/bodily fluids on them from my kids, and chances are good that my leggings cannot even be linked as they are 3 years old from Nordstrom Rack. 
• Also, what is working out? I vaguely remember doing this pre-kids and I VIVIDLY remember having a great body but I have already forgotten the smell of a gym at this point. So, no. I cannot do an instagram post of working out because that would be a fucking lie. 
• I’m a mom to 2 small kids that run laps around me every day I’m home and I’d rather spend that $100 a month that a gym would cost on replacing the 1996 appliances in my house. #realtalk 
• Is liketoknowit the right space for me? Are they creating a world of comparison and competition within strangers and peers that is unnecessary?
• Fashion is suppose to make you feel good about yourself. It’s suppose to make you light up when you put on that dress that fits like a glove, or that new pair of jeans that doesn’t remind you “YOU HAD 2 KIDS AND THINGS DON’T FIT THE SAME!” My fear is that we have created such a monster through influencers on social media, that grown women are now comparing themselves to people every hour of every day and are left feeling empty and not worthy. 

• 

photos by Lauren Pusateri

So, why have I been letting an app control my life? Why have I been trying to compete with people that don't even have a similar lifestyle? Ultimately I think it’s because I keep reminding myself that if I would have really stuck to it, really worked on making it work, I would be one of those influencers. I’ve had a RewardStyle account for over 6 years now. I’ve let myself down by not really working on this tool. If I would have thrown caution to the wind and poured all my energy into impatientdixie, could I have over 300K followers with an instagram husband? Who knows. But, instead I have 2 incredibly happy, healthy, loving children and I wouldn’t change that for the world. 

I love fashion and I love shopping. Always have, and I always will. There’s a reason why I majored in it in college, and why I’ve held some pretty kickass, powerful jobs in the industry (100% bragging). But, I refuse to let it take me down this year. Nothing is going to change my passion for it or for helping others. I still have a handful of people that come to me for shopping needs and advice and I am always here for that. But, until I figure out how I can work this platform that has been given to me so generously through RewardStyle, while still  being transparent and honest, I’m going to need to take a break. Reset. 

photo taken by Lauren Pusateri

*Disclaimer: I fully understand that social media is a highlight reel. No one wants to post a picture of a shitty day or what you are ACTUALLY wearing to bed or to Target. I'm fully aware of these things. I'm also fully aware that I have an incredibly blessed life. My children could not be happier, healthier, or more beautiful (in my eyes) than they are. My husband loves me dearly and would do just about anything to make me laugh or smile. I have a group of friends that bring me to tears thinking about them. They lift me up, make me laugh, and for that I am forever grateful. Finally, you follow me on social media (obvi) so you know the love my family and I have for each other. It's a love I wish everyone feels at some point in their lives.*

I am a face of postpartum

I'd like to think that I am a very transparent person. Willing to talk to anyone about anything, within reason, at any time. But the older I get, and the older my children get there are a few things I keep close to my chest in order to protect myself and my tiny humans. Currently, I have been very protective about discussing my parents divorce (yes, it was 10 years ago but is still very present) and my battle with postpartum depression. 

I am raising 2 tiny humans in the age of social media and the ability to find out anything within a matter of seconds through your phone. The constant feeling of failure and comparing myself to strangers on the internet has become overwhelming at times. So much so that I have had to delete Facebook and Instagram off my phone in order to focus more on myself and family. Sick, right? But it's the truth. Here I am trying to run a lifestyle blog and if I can't be truthful on here, than who is ever going to take me for my word? So here it goes, I'm opening the door to what 1.3 million mothers face a year, I am a face of postpartum depression.

I grew up in a household where I felt loved every single day. I never wanted for anything, had 2 very present & hands on parents, a sister that hated me for being born but ended up being my best friend, and 2 golden retrievers. I grew up in a bubble of Overland Park, Kansas which was just named the 9th best place to live in the United States. I met my husband, Scott, when I was 15 years old and throughout the last 15 years he has been the only constant thing in my life. I've had my heart broken 3 times and completely shattered twice. I've lived on my own, struggled at times, but always knew I had my family behind me. Even through all of this, I have lived a damn-near-perfect life. 

Of course, no ones life is perfect (well, maybe Blue Ivy's) and my family has seen their fair share of heartache and distress. But, by all accounts, I lived and continue to live an extremely privileged life. I work 2 days a week, have a great group of friends, a supportive husband, parents that love me and my children immensely, a beautiful home, in great health and above anything else; 2 healthy, beautiful children.  So, why? Why do I suffer from PPD? 

Here's what I hope to make very clear; I didn't chose this. PPD comes on like a summer thunderstorm; without warning and wrecks havoc on anything in it's path. When I had Hadley is was almost immediate. Granted, I had Hadley in the thick of a massive family storm. Trying to deal with cancer, divorce, adoption, and death all while having a week old was damn near unbearable. Not to mention I got pregnant with Hadley 3 months after suffering a miscarriage the day after Christmas, 2013. I was 2 weeks post delivery when my doctor demanded I get put on meds. Hunter was a different story. I was 8 weeks post delivery when I woke up on a Saturday morning and couldn't get out of bed. It was as if this thunderstorm struck in the middle of the night, without warning, and crippled me with anxiety and a feeling of detachment. I literally could not move. I cried because I knew what was going on. Once again, this young mother that has everything she's ever wanted had to be put on meds just to get through the day. 

I suffer from a crippling anxiety which resulted in PPD. The constant fears of something terrible happening, to the constant comparison of my job as a mother to others mothers. Also, that daunting feeling of "when will this phase ever end? When will I ever be able to sleep again?" Just the constant unknown is what drives me to a dark place. 

But that's the stigma of it all. The stigma of "you just can't handle it so, here's meds." FALSE. I wish with every bone in my body I didn't have to suffer through this. That I could be a fun-loving, energetic person without medication but right now, that's just not possible. One day, it will be possible and I can't wait for that day to come. 

The point of this post isn't to get sympathy from anyone, I don't need that. It's to open the door just a little bit more and let mothers out there know that you are not alone. Motherhood is the hardest job we will ever have and if we don't start the conversation that it is H-A-R-D work and we need each other than what are we doing? We have got to start saying "it's hard and I need help" when we get in over our heads. 

I also want to give a shout out to one of my all-time favorites, Lauren Pusateri. Not only did she offer to take these fabulous photos but she offers me support and love that I can only hope for other woman. I've said it once, and I will say it again, She is the very best.

#momhack things I cannot live without

When I was pregnant with Hadley I registered for literally everything under the sun. Come to think of it, I might have even tried to register for the sun. Vaseline? Throw it on the list. Butt paste scrapper? You got it, actually...I might need 2 of those. Every toy, rattle, bouncy thing ever made; currently in my basement. However, the most important things, the things that help baby SLEEP and STAY ASLEEP...didn't register for, didn't read about, didn't look into, didn't care. I wanted the cute stuff. The stuff that they like for about 90 seconds and it's as good as broken.

Now, with Hunter here, I am reminded of the simple things that I absolutely cannot live without. Some of the things, I have in multiple quantities...one for upstairs, one for downstairs. (Cause those stairs are a real bitch sometimes.)

Knowing very well that every baby is different and what worked for Hadley might not work for Hunter, I thought I'd share my mom necessities...

Angel Care movement monitor

Once we made scary move from bassinet by the bed to the crib, I found myself still not sleeping. Are they breathing? Did they roll over? Did someone sneak into the house and take them?!?! Scott dealt with that for about 3 nights before he came home with the 'Angel care'. Hesitant, I told him I would give it a try. You put a sensor under the mattress and if there isn't movement for 15-20 seconds an alarm goes off that would wake your neighbors. Believe me, IT WORKS. I'll never forget the first time it went off with Hadley. I don't think my feet touched the ground as I ran to her room. Come to find out, she had figured out how to roll over and scooted her way to the top of the crib. Therefore, off the sensor. Believe me, you need it.

Little giraffe Blanket

All hail the lovie that solves world peace. K, I wish. But, these little giraffe blanket's are the softest things you've ever felt and I've never met a child that didn't love theirs. The price can sometimes be shocking but keep an eye on flash sites like Hautelook, as well as the Little Giraffe website itself as they are ALWAYS running specials. Also, keep in mind that Nordstrom will always price match! 

Fisher Price Rock n' play

Neither one of my children had/has colic but neither one of them likes to sleep flat on their back. Who does, really?? This cheap (looks a bit crappy) rock n' play literally saved my marriage and life. As soon as I threw my hands in the air, said "mercy, and purchased this, they slept up to 8 hours in this thing. I will say, transferring them to a crib after sleeping in this was an adjustment but it really only took 1 night for them to be OK. I also waited to transfer Hadley to the crib until she could roll over. 

dockatot deluxe sleeper

Although I do not own one of these, I have never met a mother that didn't have tears in their eyes when you talked about the dock-a-tot. It's breathable, slightly slanted, and incredibly portable for any baby. It's won all sorts of awards for safety as well as helping babies to sleep better. Again, if my children would be OK sleeping on their back--done. No questions asked. 

Daydreamer sleep lounger

I will see you one dock-a-tot and raise you one daydreamer. After I was introduced to this and the rock 'n play, I really could have torched all my swings and million dollar jumparoo's. Babies don't need constant motion to sleep, they just need to be comfortable! This daydream went everywhere with me so I could simply put Hunter down while doing ANYTHING around the house (I might own 2 of these). Not to mention, it is incredibly reasonable when it comes to price. Just like the dock-a-tot it has a breathable shell but a sturdy base and sides to keep a baby from falling out. 

Angelcare bath support

Bath time. They love it once they can sit up but for my kids, hated it until then. It wasn't until I put Hadley in the Angelcare bath cubby in our actual bathtub that her attitude changed towards bath time. For the first few months we were just bathing her in the sink and it was torturous to us and her. This bath cubby has a silicon insert that keeps that baby from sliding down and keeps them in place. The holes allow for the water to come through but it doesn't totally submerge them. Not to mention, there is no room for mold to grown on it as once it's out of water, it's dry!

California baby shampoo & body wash

I'll admit it. When I had Hadley all I wanted was the outrageous, designer shampoo that would make my baby smell like a baby until she turned 18. $35 for a bottle of shampoo? Anything for my little one. It wasn't until I was introduced to the "think dirty" app that my mindset totally shifted. When you scan the bar code of a product in the think dirty app, it shows you, on a scale of 1-10 how toxic a particular product is for you. Well folks, the million dollar shit is gonna kill ya (not really but damn near close). I wasn't ready to jump down the rabbit hole of all holistic, organic shit but, if I could alter one thing that I put on my kids, I was going to do so. Not to mention, California baby is sold at target! It's a 3 on the scale (borderline perfect), smells incredible, and is made by moms. Take my word for it--WORTH IT. 

Nordstrom 'moonlight' PJ's

Finally, something for the mama's. A very wise woman told me a week before I delivered Hadley to be sure to bring button up pajamas as well as a night shirt (in case you have an unexpected c-section). Thankfully, I never had a C-section but the button up Pj's were honest to God, the best advice I was given. When you are feeding every 45 minutes to 3 hour...including during the night...the last thing you want to do is to have to completely undress at 2 AM to feed. These Pajamas's from Nordstrom are like sleeping on a cloud. Even after 100 washes...pure bliss. You will find yourself spending all of your money on your child. Go get something nice for yourself before the little one arrives! 

{Amy}

What's in a name

As I am *slowly* trying to keep my New Years resolution of blogging more, I figured it was time to write about my 2nd child, Hunter. I know I said 2 years ago that this blog wouldn't become a mom blog but the truth of the matter is; that's who I am. I am a mother to 2 young children and they are my world. Sure, I am still well versed in all things fashion and pop culture but, I clean more butts in a day than I ever thought possible and from time-to-time I catch myself singing the opening song to Caillou. This. Is. 30.

If you are reading this, you clearly have access to the internet so I am going to spare everyone a post on "Hunter's birthing story" (just google 'childbirth') and talk about something far more interesting...naming a baby.

When Scott and I got engaged 6 years ago we briefly talked about children. We both knew we wanted them and that was the extent of the conversation. Except the name if we had a boy. Scott required one thing--if we ever have a boy that he would have the initials H.L.M., after his Grandfather. Thankfully for Scott, I had one name picked out for a boy that wasn't up for discussion, Hunter. Naming a kid is HARD. Like, literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You don't want them to be made fun of, you don't want them to go through school as having to use their last name's initial to set themselves apart, and what if their initials spell something terrible? What if they google their name and there's a porn star with the same name?? Legit, all thoughts that go through parents minds. Hadley's name just fell in place. I kept tossing the name out there and it finally stuck. Her middle name was after Scott's mom who was battling breast cancer, it made sense. Hunter didn't have a "full name" until the day we were released from the hospital.

See, Hunter's first name comes from the strongest family I have ever known. When I was 11, we lost the most amazing man in our family. While helping a friend at work, on a farm, in Fairhope, Alabama my cousin was killed. 20 days before Christmas he was taken from us while helping out a friend when a tractor got stuck. When I say it was a freak accident, I mean freak. Watching my Aunt and cousin, Kit, go through a loss that is so unimaginable to me is something I have always drawn strength from. No one is born into this world equipped to handle the death of a brother and son. No one. Betsy (Aunt) and Kit are 2 of the kindest, gentlest, warm, loving woman you will ever meet and it is an honor to be able to call them my family. Gavin 'Gee' Hunter lives on in these woman and for the last 19 years I've never been able to shake the idea of naming a son Hunter after such an incredible soul. So, there is Hunter.

Gavin 'Gee' Hunter, Jr.

Hunter's middle name was figured out at 8 AM the morning we were discharged. We had been throwing around a few ideas but nothing really stuck. It wasn't until the night before we left the hospital that I couldn't stop thinking about my uncle, Bill. You see, Bill was diagnosed with brain cancer when he was 20 years old. It was a lost cause, no cure, no hope. That was all until he woke up from a coma while a priest was reading him his last rights. Tragically, about 10 years ago Bill suffered a stroke while alone at home and was not found until close to 48 hours later. Due to this stroke he lost his ability to walk, talk, and really have any sort of "life" at all. He lives in a nursing home, has lived there for 10+ years, and is the youngest guest. I cannot fathom living in a nursing home when I am 40 and still having the most incredible outlook on life. He has had more girlfriends than I can count, reads accounting textbooks in his down time, has relearned how to speak, and is still the funniest human I've ever met. Liam is the Irish nickname for William and we couldn't be more proud for our son to share the same name as my Bill.

William Louis Weldon

Hunter Liam is his own person and I am sure he will raise hell like Bill, be viciously loyal like Gee, and kind-hearted like H.L. and if/when he isn't? We will remind him of the men that he shares a name with. 

Hunter Liam Morris photographed by Lauren Pusateri

Hunter Liam Morris photographed by Lauren Pusateri

PROUD big sis, Hadley June & baby Brother, Hunter Liam. photographed by Lauren Pusateri

{Amy}