Dusting off the mic

The reason I've been gone for 2 years. 

Is this thing still on? Welp, the one thing I promised in my last post was to write again soon…that was over 2 years ago. So, first thing is first; I sometimes bite off more than I can chew. 

So here it goes, a “reintroduction” if you will…And I might be doing another one here in 2 years. This blog, Impatient Dixie, came from a place of loss and needing to be heard. In December 2013, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage, at 12 weeks, the day after Christmas. I was 26. I had just accepted a new job in an industry I knew nothing about and saying I felt lost in an understatement. As ridiculous as it sounds, the only thing that really made me feel like “me” after this was writing, and blogging about fashion for everyone. Ever since I can remember, my love for clothing and fashion has taken precedent over just about anything. I majored in it, I moved to 3 different states for it, and I thought I would dedicate my work life to it. Then came my daughter, Hadley, in 2014 and EVERYTHING changed. 

If you scroll back long enough in Impatient Dixie then you will be see the evolution of impatientdixie.blogspot.com and how it started, and where it is today. I won’t blog about fashion every week, hell…I might not blog about fashion for 2 years. Get over it.  Since becoming a mother (and expecting a son in April of this year…yikes) I have realized there is a huge hole in the open discussion of motherhood and what all we go through. Even when we have extremely supportive significant others, we need someone telling us, “hey, this is normal, it will be ok.” 

So a recap of who I am, and what impatient dixie is…

1. I have enough stories about my family to write a book or a lifetime mini series. We are a bunch of looney tunes but they are my looney tunes and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Well, for the most part.
2. I am 100% “That parent” that is beyond obsessed with her child and I have stopped apologizing for it. She is literally my most favorite human being in the world and *hint to future post* I am terrified to welcome a 2nd child as I am not sure how you love 2 children the same. There, I said it. 
3. I suffered from postpartum depression after my daughter. Big time. I believe this is just another topic that we refuse to talk about and that needs to change. This is another reason I just couldn't blog for a long time. I didn't feel like myself, didn't want to do much, just in the throws of it. 
4. While pregnant with Hadley, My Mother-in-law was diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer and had a 25% survival rate. She’s 100% better and I have to compete with her for who Hadley loves more…It’s a battle I don’t mind fighting.
5. Mother-in-law means I’m married. Yes, I am married to the same guy that I was dating in 2004. What can I say, I’m a creature of habit?? This July, Scott and I will celebrate being best friends for 15 years. Which also means I have been with him for half of my life. *Cue heartburn*
6. I live on a budget. A big one. I work part-time in the retail industry, and full-time in the mom industry. The reason I say this is for my future fashion blog posts. Anything I blog about is going to be reasonable. I believe that blogging about a Gucci mule and slapping “#momstyle” on is cruel and unusual punishment. (Not to mention…the shit (literal, shit) that falls on shoes when you have a kid…let’s stick to target, k?)
7. Finally, the name. Where did it come from? To quote my first ever post… “I’ve always wanted a place to share my thoughts, ideas, fashion, and just life adventures. If you know anything about me, you should know that my life is a bad Bravo reality show that holds no punches. My family is one white tent short of a full blown circus. I’m perfectly impatient in every way possible. I wake up anxious and fall asleep anxious. Surprises scare me almost as much as circus clowns and I actually take “neurotic” as a compliment . I find solace in fashion and look to the big man upstairs when I need peace. Alabama is where I call home and the simple sound of “Dixie” makes my soul smile.  So, take a seat, strap in, and enjoy the ride.”

{Amy}

From the Heart

**This post was written in January 30, 2015. I never had the heart to say "publish". But, no time like the present. **

A few months ago, actually more like 6 months ago, I was sitting at work and received 2 text messages almost simultaneously, on the same day. One, from my mother-in-law, the other from my mother. Both Selfies. Both smiling. The difference was the backdrop. 

My mother was with Scott walking the beautiful beach of Lake Michigan, ironically enough, the same beach that we will one day lay my grandmother's ashes to rest. They were smiling, basking in the sunshine and enjoying that moment together. It's not everyday that you hear of husbands truly enjoying the company of their mother-in-laws and being able to receive this text while at home VERY pregnant made my heart smile. 2 of my favorite people together, just enjoying where their lives had taken them. The other selfie was totally different, however shared the same sort of smile. 

My mother-in-law, Pam, was sitting in a chemotherapy chair about to embark on her first treatment for Breast Cancer. Still to this day I have a hard time grasping the fact that we went through this. However, even with her port visible in the picture and her hair cut short knowing that she would lose it, she was dressed to the nines and ready for what life had handed her. How many people do you think take selfies while in a chemotherapy chair? My guess would be few. But, Pam isn't your typical cancer patient. She would probably slap me if she knew I was referring to her as a cancer patient! This women was excited to get a wig as she wouldn't have to worry about her hair for a while. When she had a reaction to the drug and it made all of her skin that was damaged by the sun peel off? A "benefit of chemo"...no need for another chemical peel! Now, 7 months after the diagnosis, Our Pam is cancer free. In every sense of the word. Her results are "unheard of, remarkable, astonishing" as her oncologist put it, or as her kids put it, "normal for mom". (Don't tell her doctors but 24 hours after her double mastectomy she was at burger night with everyone and a week after her surgery she beat Scott in ping pong. You know, normal "cancer patient" stuff.) Yeah, this is who my daughter shares a name with (their middle names are both June and Hadley has bee giving the nickname of 'Junebug') and I couldn't be more proud.

Unfortunately, this wasn't my first rodeo with cancer. I've been lucky enough for cancer to not directly effect my family but it has been all around me for a while. I watched my mother lose her best friend to breast cancer, my best friend lost her father to cancer, and a dear classmate of mine in High School lost his battle to cancer. I tried to not draw similarities to these when talked to Scott about his mom but deep down, I was scared out of my mind. But, something felt different about Pam. Not once did any of us think she wouldn't survive this. I think the fear will always be inside of us, though. The "what if's" that every cancer survivor and family member lives with day-to-day but ultimately we know Pam and we know the strength she carries within her. Looking back, my biggest regret was focusing so much on Scott and not picking up the phone and calling my family members. The last conversation I had with my grandma was the 2 days before she passed. Right before we hung up the phone I gave her an update on Pam and how I was feeling (6 weeks before my due date) and she very gently said, "I want to talk to you more Ames, I miss talking with you and knowing about what's going on in your life." Her saying that will forever haunt me. 

My Pal knew what she was doing. She passed on a Tuesday and that Sunday before she had talked to me, my sister, and my mom. Hours before her life-ending heart attack, she bought Hadley's baby gift...an owl that makes the sound of a heartbeat to put in her crib to soothe her when she sleeps. As cheesy as it sounds, I know my Pal is forever in that Owl and will always be watching out for my little girl when she sleeps. That sound is the only thing that will put Hadley to sleep. 

Events happen in your life that you never thought would be possible, good and bad. When it doesn't make sense at the time and all you want to do is be angry, I have realized that with time and patience, it will all make sense. For instance, when Scott and I found out that we were pregnant with a girl, I wept...For days. How could I be having a girl? I didn't want a girl, girls are mean, bratty, spoiled, just not what I wanted my first born to be. I was pathetic and looking back I am ashamed at myself. I was pregnant with a healthy baby and all I could do was say "poor me". It was the Amy show, no doubt about that. Then we got the news of Pam's cancer and my mentality totally shifted. To be honest, I put being pregnant and trying to enjoy it on the back burner and went into wife mode by trying to protect Scott. There are times and things that happen in a relationship that should be kept private and Scott going through this time in his life is one of those. I will never share his journey as it is his to share. All I will say is that if he loves Hadley and I even half as much as he loves his mother, we will be truly blessed for the rest of our lives.

I cannot imagine having a boy. There is a reason Hadley was our first born. She shares her Gigi's namesake so she will forever be reminded of the strength she has inside of her, just like Pam. I know she had a conversation with my grandmother before making her entrance into the world as there is no doubt she has her great grandmothers sense of humor. My grandmother would always say "A life for a life" when someone would pass, and I never really understood why she said that. I don't believe she was taken from us for Hadley's life, but instead for Pam's. 

I now make it a point to take a picture of Hadley every single day. (Not like that's a hard task!) I don't do it because I live in fear of something happening to her, I do it so I can remember how far she has come every day since she was born. If you don't take a picture of a particular moment in time, good or bad, how are you going to remember how far you've come, or what to strive for to get there again?

So, the next time you see someone taking a selfie, before you judge them and whatever stupid face they are making, remember that you don't know why they are taking that. So, let them take it. Let them remember that moment in time as it will soon pass. Hell, maybe take a selfie yourself.

Oh, and one last thing. Hey, Cancer, fuck you. We won.