Takes Me Back

 

 

Sweatshirt: Love Nail Tree // Clutch: Kate Spade pencil case // Dress: Tibi // Belt: Nordstrom, similar here // Necklace: old, similar here // Shoes: Milk & Honey Boutique

Photography by Lauren Frisch

I remember the black tank top with a sequined red rose I was wearing the day the twin towers came down, and sitting in Art class just frozen in time. I remember I had just gotten it from Express the night before and debated sleeping in it just because I was that anxious to wear it. I remember the old navy denim skirt and white v-neck J.Crew tee I was wearing on a cool, crisp, late Spring day. The day my life as I knew it came to a crippling halt, the day my parents told us of an inevitable divorce. I remember the Diane Von Furstenberg dress I was wearing the night Scott proposed. Whenever I wear that dress I still feel like something magical might happen. And, I remember the scent of Stanley Korshak and the taste of coffee the day I found my wedding dress. Most recently I remember the dusty pink top from Kate Spade I was wearing the day of the doctors appointment. I still cannot get myself to wear it, no matter how beautiful it might be. 

I remember this Tibi dress and how I coveted it for months as I wanted it for my rehearsal dinner. I also remember hearing Edward Sharpe's song 'Home' the month I had gotten engaged and it engulfed me. It was at work, Milk & Honey Boutique, that I heard it and it just so happens that this sweatshirt was given to me by the owner. Even when I hear it today, it takes me back to happier times with the warm Texas Spring air with the hopes I had for my future with Scott and our family. 

Fashion has always been my escape. I can disappear into my own world for a moment in time. So, the next time you see Dixie shopping in baggy boyfriend jeans, a baseball cap and no makeup on; please excuse me. It's therapy hour. 

Find your escape, find your therapy.

{Amy}

What hurts the most

Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist

The surgery didn't hurt, I was out of it and they gave me great pain meds. When I got the news, it didn't hurt, maybe because I didn't believe it. It's the aftermath that they don't warn you about. There's no 'Doctor's orders' that they send you home with to help you deal with your everyday life.  There's no manual of how to feel when people refuse to acknowledge what has just happened. It's a daily struggle, but a beautiful struggle. You learn, and you learn quickly, who is in your support system and how many people care enough about you to reach out and tell you that they are there.

Today is 2 months. 2 months since we got the news. 2 months since a piece of my heart went missing.

Today, I had to place 335 greeting card orders at work. I had to manually enter 7/22 on all of them.  I was reminded, today, 335 times of my due date that will never be. 

But, today, as I open a book that was given to me by a friend with whom I had lost touch with, I am reminded of the pain I once felt, but the hope I have for the future. 

{Amy}

When the dust settles

Exactly one month ago today, Scott and I suffered a miscarriage. I've gone back and forth about really going in depth and sharing this but I have realized something since this happened. We, as a society don't talk about this. It's as if we are suppose to be ashamed or feel "broken", and essentially pretend like this didn't happened. The more I talked about it to others and discussed what I went through and learned from it, the more I have heard some of the most tremendous stories from other women that have not only suffered like me, but have been through some of the worst experiences I have ever heard of. I'm sick of not talking about things with the fear of society deeming it 'inappropriate' or the fear of making my 'friends' uncomfortable. I was told at 17 that I couldn't mention that my sister was gay because of what people might think. I shouldn't talk about a miscarriage because it might make some people uncomfortable. My parents divorce couldn't be talked about because we wanted to 'keep face'. If my story can help 1 person find hope in this sick and twisted world than I have done something. Women, and men for that matter, need to know that they are not alone in any of this and they have people they can talk to.

Let it be known that, when a therapist tells you, a 26 year old, that you have 'earned your depression by the events in your life you have gone through', it's time for a wake up call...and I got one.

When you suffer something like this you do feel broken, and lost, and not knowing who to turn to or talk to. I have been blessed to turn to extremely strong women. For instance, a lady I had only worked with for 6 weeks who would do nothing but hug me and text me telling me how much she loves me. She suffered 4 miscarriages...1 of which happened in the 8th month. She now has 4 of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. A friend who I had only really spoken to a handful of times who was so eager to help me and show me all of the ways God had helped her. She suffered a miscarriage and actually had to pass the child and catch it in her own hands. She just welcomed her 1st beautiful baby boy. These are the stories that made me realize that I cannot give up hope. I cannot stop believing that better things will come and finally, that there are women out there walking around that have been literally, through hell, only to come out a better person and wanting to help others. 

I now wear a necklace that was the initial we wanted to use for our first born. And, yet again, I am reminded at just how crazy this world and God can be. H. H is what I wear. I bought it so I would have a constant reminder of how far I have come everyday. Now, H stands for something different. H- Him; God, that's all I really need to focus on right now and understand that he is showing me something. H-Home; Scott. Scott is my home, he has been my 'home' for 12 years, he is where I feel the safest and I know that as long as he is by my side, I will always be protected. H-Hope, without hope, there is no reason to continue on this crazy game of Life. And the hope of seeing my first child on 'the other side' when that day comes. H-Happiness, I make it a point each day to find happiness in something. 

I do not consider myself a good Christian, 4 weeks ago I would have told you that I was over organized religion. I'm a work in progress, and I have to take faith in something to know that in the end this crazy thing call life will be worth it. However, I do believe that this was God's way of getting my attention and telling me to go help others and ultimately, myself. I can honestly say I don't remember the last time I put myself as a priority. Times have changed and I see that through 'Impatient Dixie.'

{Amy}

New Year, New Challenges

I for one am always guilty of starting a New Years resolution that I can never keep. I mean, no one joins a gym on January 1st and loses 15 pounds in 2 weeks…come on, Amy. Or, I find myself not making resolutions but instead making “new year wishes” and I find myself let down when they don’t come true, immediately.

So this year, 2014, I’m trying something new. I’m challenging myself. I’m challenging myself to smile at the people that make me frown. (It actually throws them for a loop when you smile when they least expect it.) I’m challenging myself to let hugs linger a few seconds longer. (Those few seconds are what sets apart a cordial hug and a loving hug.) And I’m challenging myself to truly be able to let go of the things I cannot control. This will be the hardest challenge of my life. I want to control everything, all the time. I get so mad and frustrated when something happens that I had no control over, and why should I? I didn’t do it.

So, challenge yourself in 2014. See where you might end up.

{Amy}

Goodbye to 2013, Hello to new Beginnings

After months of putting it off, I’ve decided to jump head first into a blog that I have been thinking about for years. I’ve always wanted a place to share my thoughts, ideas, fashion, and just life adventures. If you know anything about me, you should know that my life is a bad Bravo reality show that holds no punches. My family is one white tent short of a full blown circus. I’m perfectly impatient in every way possible. I wake up anxious and fall asleep anxious. Surprises scare me almost as much as circus clowns and I actually take “neurotic” as a compliment . I find solace in fashion and look to the big man upstairs when I need peace. Alabama is where I call home and the simple sound of “Dixie” makes my soul smile.  So, take a seat, strap in, and enjoy the ride.Yes, I said I was starting a fashion blog but of course, my first post will be an adieu to 2013. In order for you to really understand my intentions of 2014, we have to recap this last year.

2013 was a roller coaster. My husband, Scott, and I started our year off with buying our new home in Kansas City.  After moving in the first week of February, it seemed like our lives were consumed with decorating, shoveling snow, fixing a few things, shoveling more snow, and well, shoveling more snow. In April we took our long awaited Honeymoon to the beautiful country of Croatia and it was something straight out of planes, trains, and automobiles. Anything that could go wrong; did. but being able to see a part of the world few ever will, is a memory we will never forget. 2 months after returning home from Croatia it seemed as if the dust was just starting to settle when Scott got an opportunity of a lifetime to move to Taiwan for 4 months and assist in building a nuclear power plant, I stayed back in KC. 4 months doesn’t seem like a long time, unless you’ve been dating your significant other for 10 years…we’ve never spent more than 1 month apart; saying I was terrified was an understatement. But, 2 months after he left we met for a BEAUTIFUL week vacation in the paradise islands of Hawaii. No matter where I go in this world Hawaii is still the most beautiful place on this earth.  After he returned on October 10th, we had both agreed that this overseas work was not going to work for us so Scott started on his job search as I, too, was searching for a new career path. Scott landed a job right away and he is thrilled in his new role. I accepted a position with a big company based here in Kansas but, of course, it wasn’t all smooth sailing. A day after I interviewed I found out that Scott and I were expecting our first child together. Within a 3 week time span, Scott got back from Taiwan after 4 months, we both changed jobs and we find out that we are expecting. Stressed and Anxious aren’t even words I would use to describe this. But the underlying emotion was sheer joy. We went through Thanksgiving and Christmas together and told all of our family members, everyone was so excited about the new addition that they even started to purchase for the new baby. It wasn’t until the day after Christmas that Scott and I got the heartbreaking news that our baby did not have a heartbeat. An emergency surgery had to take place the next day.

I am determined to take on 2014 with a full heart and the patience to know that everything happens for a reason, knowing very well that there will be good days and bad. I will feel all different emotions but they are my emotions. In 12 short months Scott and I bought a house, moved into a house, traveled to Europe, Spent 4 months apart, traveled to Hawaii, changed jobs twice, had the joys of becoming parents, and finally, feeling the pain of losing a child.  But, with every heartbreak there is a rainbow somewhere to be found. I will welcome 2014 the same way I welcomed 2013, hand-in-hand with Scott and a full heart of hope.

{Amy}