After a long debate and a lot of self reflection, I’ve decided to hit the pause button on social media for a bit. Sure, you can laugh and think it’s such a silly little thing, just don’t click on the app. I wish it was that simple for me.
photos from our holiday pictures. Taken by Lauren Pusateri
You see, 6 years ago Scott and I decide to make the move from Dallas to KC for Scott’s job and ultimately, to be closer to family. Leaving Dallas wasn’t a tough decision for me as I never really felt like I had found my group, “my people”. The only things I was going to miss was my job, the shopping, living in a city that was so vibrant with fashion, and shockingly, so empowering to woman. There was a company that was just starting up as we were getting ready to leave and to be honest, a job was offered to me that I laughed off as we were moving and I had such big, grand plans for what would be in KC when we got home. The company? RewardStyle. I try not to dwell on the past and think about “what ifs” but its hard not to with this. This will always be a regret of mine. A year after moving back to KC I started to find myself feeling like there was an empty hole in me. What was it? I was newly married to my high school sweetheart, we were discussing a family, I had a job with a great company and yet, still felt so unfulfilled. So, I started to write. Before I could really call it a blog, it was just a journal. Writing was my way of letting things go, moving forward, letting bygones be bygones. I even went as far as mending old friendships, and reaching out to people that I had done wrong. I finally got the courage to hit publish on a blog post and immediately got emails from friends at rewardStyle saying they needed more “influencers” and wanted to sign me up. I never had to apply, prove myself, get X number of followers, I just said “alright”…with a whopping 200 followers.
6 months post Hunter. Photo taken by Lauren Pusateri
Ever since then (5+ years ago), I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with no one but myself. The constant reminders that I do not look like everyone else (or like my old self for that matter), that I do not live a life like what social media thinks I should, that my children aren’t dresses the best at all times, or that my house isn’t even close to being “instagram worthy”. This battle has contributed to the dark days in my life this past year. When I’m having a bad day and I check out instagram, I subconsciously think it’s going to make me feel better. But in reality, it does the opposite. It throws me, head first, into a comparison game with complete strangers and some damn good filters. The facts of the matter, for me, are these:
- I don’t want to be fake to my friends, or people that might think I’m interesting.
- Life is HARD, it’s not always pretty and in order to move forward we must be transparent about this.
- I don't want to post something every single day that people think they "need". It's not real life.
- I don’t have the luxury of having a husband that works from home, or better yet, works for ME. He works 10, 12, sometimes 15 hour days, 5 days a week. The sun hasn’t come up when he leaves for work, and it’s down when he gets home. He can’t take pictures of me 95% of the time.
- I also don’t have the luxury of hiring someone to take pictures of me for the sole reason of selling clothing through an app. Scott just got through MBA school, I work because I love what I do, and for my sanity, but essentially all it does is pay for childcare. Frankly, we don’t have the extra funds lying around to let me buy whatever I want, then to pay someone to photograph it. Hence the mirror selfies in my bedroom and the over posting about Target.
- I’m really never “instagram ready”. It’s rare when I have makeup on, my clothes usually have some sort of food/drool/bodily fluids on them from my kids, and chances are good that my leggings cannot even be linked as they are 3 years old from Nordstrom Rack.
- Also, what is working out? I vaguely remember doing this pre-kids and I VIVIDLY remember having a great body but I have already forgotten the smell of a gym at this point. So, no. I cannot do an instagram post of working out because that would be a fucking lie.
- I’m a mom to 2 small kids that run laps around me every day I’m home and I’d rather spend that $100 a month that a gym would cost on replacing the 1996 appliances in my house. #realtalk
- Is liketoknowit the right space for me? Are they creating a world of comparison and competition within strangers and peers that is unnecessary?
- Fashion is suppose to make you feel good about yourself. It’s suppose to make you light up when you put on that dress that fits like a glove, or that new pair of jeans that doesn’t remind you “YOU HAD 2 KIDS AND THINGS DON’T FIT THE SAME!” My fear is that we have created such a monster through influencers on social media, that grown women are now comparing themselves to people every hour of every day and are left feeling empty and not worthy.
photos by Lauren Pusateri
So, why have I been letting an app control my life? Why have I been trying to compete with people that don't even have a similar lifestyle? Ultimately I think it’s because I keep reminding myself that if I would have really stuck to it, really worked on making it work, I would be one of those influencers. I’ve had a RewardStyle account for over 6 years now. I’ve let myself down by not really working on this tool. If I would have thrown caution to the wind and poured all my energy into impatientdixie, could I have over 300K followers with an instagram husband? Who knows. But, instead I have 2 incredibly happy, healthy, loving children and I wouldn’t change that for the world.
I love fashion and I love shopping. Always have, and I always will. There’s a reason why I majored in it in college, and why I’ve held some pretty kickass, powerful jobs in the industry (100% bragging). But, I refuse to let it take me down this year. Nothing is going to change my passion for it or for helping others. I still have a handful of people that come to me for shopping needs and advice and I am always here for that. But, until I figure out how I can work this platform that has been given to me so generously through RewardStyle, while still being transparent and honest, I’m going to need to take a break. Reset.
photo taken by Lauren Pusateri
*Disclaimer: I fully understand that social media is a highlight reel. No one wants to post a picture of a shitty day or what you are ACTUALLY wearing to bed or to Target. I'm fully aware of these things. I'm also fully aware that I have an incredibly blessed life. My children could not be happier, healthier, or more beautiful (in my eyes) than they are. My husband loves me dearly and would do just about anything to make me laugh or smile. I have a group of friends that bring me to tears thinking about them. They lift me up, make me laugh, and for that I am forever grateful. Finally, you follow me on social media (obvi) so you know the love my family and I have for each other. It's a love I wish everyone feels at some point in their lives.*
